


the softness of small things

by sterekfluffer (teampancakes)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Brief mention of homophobia, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gentleness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, Protective Alec Lightwood, Talking, brief mention of magnus's mother's suicide, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 13:13:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19830958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teampancakes/pseuds/sterekfluffer
Summary: “Alec?” Magnus bites his bottom lip. “Why are you here?”“What?”“Why are you here, with me? I didn’t mean for you to burden yourself with me like this when I called you last night.” Alec’s expression becomes more and more pained with each word Magnus says, and Magnus has to look away because it makes his stomach churn. Sometimes his mother had looked at him like that, like he was saying disappointing things, like he only ever knew how to say disappointing things.----(alec takes care of magnus when he's left all alone in the world)





	the softness of small things

**Author's Note:**

> i knowww, i know i'm supposed to be updating 'the good, the bad and the dirty' but this idea popped into my head and i just had to write it. it's VERY slightly inspired by a t.s. eliot poem, and my need to have alec comfort magnus like, 24/7. i love writing a protective alec, y'all. anyway, i hope you enjoy. please leave kudos/comments and i will love u forever and ever and ever and ever.

In the motel room, Magnus sinks into one of the double beds, stripping himself down to his boxers, as Alec goes into the tiny bathroom for a shower. There is light coming in from the partially drawn blinds on the window next to Magnus’s bed, painting him in stripes of ugly yellow light. He runs his fingers absently over his ribcage and wonders why he can’t tickle himself. He could use a giggle right about now, but he’s also aware of how close Alec is and how it’s probably not a nice thing to want to laugh when it’s only been five hours since your mother killed herself.

“OK?” Alec’s voice is rough with lack of use, and he’s standing in the doorway of the bathroom in his boxers and a raggedy, old t-shirt with a hole near the shoulder. Even in the dim light, Magnus can see the damp of his skin, the water droplets still stuck to his hair. There’s a towel in his hands. Magnus nods in reply, not daring to speak, unsure of how his own voice would sound. Would it be thick with the tears his eyes can’t seem to manifest? Would it be uneven? Normal? Squeaky? He doesn’t want to find out.

Alec nods too and goes back into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Five minutes later, he’s back in the doorway. Magnus watches him watching him. Under his intense gaze, Magnus feels fixed to the spot, like he can’t even move a muscle. It feels like he’s stopped breathing. Alec’s eyes are like thumb tacks, sticking him up, pinning him to the crackly, scratchy sheets in a way that makes Magnus feel more seen than he ever has.

Alec’s gaze doesn’t waver as he makes his way over to the beds. “Can I?” He gestures between Magnus’s bed and himself with a nervous hand. Magnus nods dumbly, eyes widening a little as Alec climbs in, almost on top of him. The bed might be long but it’s narrow and even though Magnus scoots to the edge closest to the wall, Alec still has to hike one leg over his and curl up into his side, arm around Magnus’s waist. They’ve never been this close before. The physical proximity is overwhelming and Alec smells like mint and cheap motel soap. His head tilts up with another questioning look and Magnus realizes he’s just been lying there as Alec quite literally snuggles into him. _Sorry_ , he thinks, cringing a little as he wraps hesitant arms around Alec, bringing him in closer.

“Didn’t want you to sleep alone tonight,” Alec explains after a minute when they’re both settled. His fingertips trace a random path down Magnus’s bare chest, feeling his breath stutter traitorously. Magnus hums in reply, eyes falling close. He’s more tired than he’d imagined. With Alec’s weight on top of him, his thoughts feel less scattered. He doesn’t feel as nebulous. Everything inside him seems to converge on one single point – the feel of Alec’s warm but slightly damp skin on his, his even and stable breathing, his mouth very close to Magnus’s clavicle. Perhaps Alec ghosts a kiss across his collar bone, perhaps he doesn’t. Magnus falls asleep before he knows it.

*

The next morning, his bed is empty and Alec is nowhere to be found. The blinds have been drawn completely and it’s not until he turns over and sees the green numbers flash 7 _:45_ on the clock on their side table that he even realizes it’s morning.

“Alec?” Magnus whispers. There’s nobody else in the room and Magnus can feel the panic rise up his throat like bile. A flash of yellow in his peripheral vision sticks out and he turns to see a post-it stuck on his pillowcase, the corner slightly crumpled.

_Gone out to get some food. Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon. Alec._

Clutching the small scrap of paper, Magnus tucks his knees into his chest and curls up into himself. Eight a.m. in the morning is a sensible time, a time that asks you to get dressed and go to work or school or whatever it is that gives your life purpose. Eight a.m. wants you to have answers, not more questions. It’s a time for truths and for practicality. Is it easier to process someone’s death in the dark or in bright sunlight? Magnus feels like he’s going to have a panic attack.

“You’re up,” Alec’s voice is gentle, almost a caress. Magnus looks up, startled. He hadn’t heard the key turn in the lock or the door open. “I see you got my note.” Alec’s eyes fall to the crumpled up post-it in Magnus’s fist. “I got you some coffee and a banana from the motel lobby. Didn’t want to go too far to look for actual food because I didn’t want to leave you for too long.”

He opens the blinds, dumps one of the plastic bags he’s carrying on his empty, unused bed and sits down next to Magnus with the other one still in his hand. Magnus lets the crumpled post-it fall from his hand as he uncurls his fist and accepts the bottle of water Alec hands him.

“Drink up. Don’t want you to dehydrate,” he says, unscrewing the cap for him when Magnus’s fingers fumble with it.

“What about your parents and Izzy?” Magnus asks, feeling his throat burn a little at the cold water. He feels parched and he takes another long gulp as Alec answers.

“I called Iz this morning and explained that I’d be away for a bit. I doubt mom and dad will miss me.” Alec takes out the bananas from the bag and the coffee cups from their cardboard holder and hands one of each to Magnus. “Did you sleep okay?”

Magnus sets the water bottle on the side table and takes a sip of the lukewarm coffee. It’s strong and makes the back of his teeth hurt. “Yes, I slept okay,” Magnus replies, sitting back on the bed and giving Alec more room to pull his feet up if he wished. “Why won’t Robert and Maryse be looking for you?”

Alec drinks some of his own coffee before answering. “We had a falling out. Came out to them and they didn’t take it so well.”

“Oh,” Magnus says. _Oh_. 

“I was going to tell you, but then –” Alec reaches out and takes Magnus’s hand gingerly. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Magnus drinks some more coffee to avoid answering for a while, grimacing as the horrible taste hits his tongue again. “Not really, if that’s okay.”

“It’s completely okay, yeah,” Alec’s thumb rubs a circle into Magnus’s wrist. “I’m here if you need to talk, though.”

“Will the police need to see me again, do you think?” Magnus asks, because it’s easier than the other question he wants to ask.

“Possibly,” Alec answers, setting his coffee cup down on the floor and pulling his feet up on the bed so that they’re sitting opposite each other, knees brushing.

“Alec?” Magnus bites his bottom lip. “Why are you here?”

“What?”

“Why are you here, with me? I didn’t mean for you to burden yourself with me like this when I called you last night.” Alec’s expression becomes more and more pained with each word Magnus says, and Magnus has to look away because it makes his stomach churn. Sometimes his mother had looked at him like that, like he was saying disappointing things, like he only ever knew how to say disappointing things.

“You’re not a burden,” Alec’s voice wavers inexplicably. “You’re my best friend.”

Magnus doesn’t look at Alec, fixing his gaze instead on the uneaten bananas lying next to them on the bed. The sheets are rumpled and don’t look too clean in the harsh sunlight streaming in from the window. Everything is bright and sharp, except for the way Alec’s hand comes up to his jaw, tilting his head up so Magnus is looking at him again.

“Magnus,” Alec breathes, so softly and quietly that Magnus unconsciously leans in. “I’ve wanted to do this for a while now but last night was too soon, too much, and I didn’t want to add to your plate.” He curls a thumb over Magnus’s mouth, swiping across it, gaze dropping to the movement. “Can I kiss you?”

It’s a simple request and one that Magnus is not wholly surprised by, but it feels important, like the answer to it is the key to a million-dollar cash prize or something. He won’t deny it isn’t something he’s dreamt about, before, in the days when he wasn’t an orphan, when Alec’s slow, sure smile was the only thing that mattered. It feels bigger now, the innocent fantasy turned real. Magnus really wants to say yes.

“Is it okay if we don’t, just now?”

Alec’s face falls imperceptibly and Magnus’s heart sinks in tandem. _This is it. The moment you pushed him away_.

“That’s okay,” Alec tells him. “I’m not mad at you for saying no, please know that.”

“Rain check?” Magnus asks, nervously, shyly.

“Of course,” Alec pulls him in, tucks him into a hug. “I’m here.”

*

It takes a lot longer than Magnus had thought it would. The dull ache under his breastbone, the red on his hands in his dreams, the ability to smile again – it comes and goes in flashes that don’t give a fuck about linear time. Four days after the incident, they drive back and Magnus faces the question of where he’s going to live. He’s nineteen, so he can’t be put into foster care but he’s got no money he can use for rent.

Alec drives him to a small studio apartment he and Izzy had just moved into and shifts his pillow and sheets to the couch, freeing up his own bedroom for Magnus, without paying any heed to his protests. Izzy herself threatens to smack him across the head if he even thinks about moving out before he’s ready.

Two weeks after the incident, Magnus laughs for the first time. It’s a gasping, startled sort of sound, almost like he’d forgotten how to do it. Izzy smiles proudly at having been the reason behind it.

A month later, and Magnus asks to borrow Alec’s laptop so he can update his CV and start sending it out. Alec hands it over with a small smile. A few days later, Magnus gets a call from a small café and is asked if he can start immediately. He shares the news with the Lightwood siblings and they drink champagne to celebrate. It’s a small victory but it feels like a step forward like nothing else has.

“Hey,” Magnus calls out as he steps onto the tiny balcony off of the living room. Izzy retired to her room after a few glasses and is now holed up there, clearly to talking to someone on the telephone. The walls in the apartment are rather thin.

“Hi,” Alec turns around, half-full glass still in hand. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah,” Magnus smiles. It’s a Sunday tomorrow, and he doesn’t have to go in to work, so he doesn’t feel guilty about the fact that he’s now on his fifth glass of champagne. “Izzy’s talking to Maia, I think. When will they ever admit to the fact that they’re crazy about each other?” He shakes his head as he joins Alec.

“Yeah, when will they…” Alec trails off, looking at Magnus for a brief, never-ending second before turning away to watch the tiny lights of the city twinkling beneath them.

Magnus feels his cheeks heat up a little as he realizes what the implication of his words might have been. He brings his glass up to his mouth and drinks a little more, rubbing the back of his neck with his other hand. When Magnus is uncomfortable or thinking about something important, he knows he gets fidgety. When Alec is thinking about something important, he becomes very still and silent.

The only thing moving about Alec is the way his chest rises and falls and how his fingertips twirl around the stem of his empty glass. Magnus sneaks a glance at him and then goes back to looking at the pinpricks of lights below. After that morning in the motel, he has thought about Alec’s question more times than he can count. He’s regretted saying no, he’s been glad he asked for a rain check, he’s been antsy about how they would bring it up again, whether he’d be the one to do it or Alec. It seems all the turbulent thoughts and questions have culminated in this one moment: Alec and him, on a balcony overlooking New York City, hands so close on the railing they could be brushing, slightly giddy off champagne.

“Alec,” Magnus starts, at the same time that Alec says his name. They look at each other with embarrassed smiles and motion with their hands for the other to go first.

“OK,” Magnus gives in. “I just wanted to say,” he pauses and looks down at his glass, biting his lip, trying to formulate the right words in his head. “I was sorry to hear about your parent’s reactions to you coming out. We didn’t get a chance to talk about it earlier but I wanted to say that you’re amazing and special and loved and there’s nothing wrong or ugly about you.” If circumstances had been – different – this was the first thing he’d have said to his best friend. But with what had happened, Magnus had felt like he’d been looking at Alec, Izzy and Catarina from under water. Normal, every day things took him ages, let alone being there for Alec when he needed him the most.

Alec looks surprised, as if this wasn’t what he had expected Magnus to say. “Oh,” he half-turns so that he’s leaning against the railing, directly facing Magnus. “Thank you. I’m lucky to have people like you and Izzy.”

“Is there any chance of them…” Magnus trails off, not wanting to bring up anything sensitive when he has no details whatsoever of how it all went down between Alec and his parents.

“No,” Alec replies firmly.

“Okay,” Magnus nods. “I’m here if you want to talk about anything, you know that right?”

“I do. And likewise,” Alec says, reaching a hand out to pat Magnus on his arm briefly. Magnus swallows.

“Also, I wanted to say, um, I wanted to thank you. For letting me stay here and for taking care of me. And for, well, for waiting.”

“Magnus, you can stay here as long as you need,” Alec says, with a sweet earnestness that makes Magnus almost want to cry.

“Thank you,” he murmurs again. There’s so much more that he wants to say, so much more that he’d already said but that Alec had chosen not to acknowledge. Did he regret waiting for Magnus? Had he found somebody else perhaps? He had mentioned a Lydia from work once or twice; something about going out for drinks.

They stand there silently, without meeting each other’s eyes. Magnus drinks the last of his champagne just to have something to do.

“About the waiting,” Alec blurts out after a few minutes as Magnus’s stomach does flips. “I want you to know I’ll wait as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.” He reaches out again but this time the touch is longer, more lingering, a lot sweeter. His large and calloused hand cups Magnus’s cheek and Magnus can’t help but tilt his head into it. It’s an automatic response, he doesn’t even think twice about it.

“I don’t think,” Magnus clears his throat, “I don’t think I want you to wait any more.”

“Oh,” Alec’s hand falls and Magnus’s eyes widen. _Shit, no, not like that._

“I don’t mean it like that!” He cries out, setting his glass down on the lone chair next to his knee. “I meant, I’m ready. You can – you can kiss me now. If you still want to,” he adds, biting his lip.

“Of course I want to,” Alec says incredulously. “Why wouldn’t I want to?”

Magnus shrugs his shoulders, a sheepish smile on his face. “I’m a little bit – much? My mom just killed herself? I don’t have house or money or anything really?”

“You have me,” Alec says quietly. He sets his glass down too and steps forward, until he’s barely inches away. Magnus feels a small thrill go through him as Alec’s hands reach for his elbows, pulling him in minutely. He raises his own hands to rest lightly against Alec’s chest, feeling the smooth, hard muscles under his fingers and the slight scratch of chest hair through the soft, thin shirt he’s wearing.

“You’re right,” Alec says, looking down at him. Magnus is just a little bit shorter than him but he fits perfectly in Alec’s arms. “You are a bit much.” Magnus stiffens. “Much too beautiful,” Alec smiles.

Magnus punches him lightly in the shoulder, grinning and blushing a little. “Much too kind,” Alec continues. “Too strong, too brave, too kind.”

“Stop it,” Magnus whispers. “and kiss me already.”

Alec obeys, hands shifting from Magnus’s elbows to his back, pulling him even closer and closing his mouth over his. Magnus has been drinking for a couple hours now but nothing is more intoxicating than Alec’s lips on his, Alec’s tongue in his mouth and Alec’s fingers in the hair at the nape of his neck. He sighs into the kiss, feeling the whole world reduce to just this – them, kissing, bodies pressed together from shoulder to hip with no space in between. Alec kisses him like he’s the most precious thing, his hand coming back to cup his jaw, his thumb smoothing over his skin, his mouth crashing into Magnus’s with a ferocity that betrays just how long he’s been wanting to do this. Magnus can feel his knees buckle.

“Wow,” Magnus breathes, feeling dizzy. Alec has pulled back but not lost his grip on him. Magnus feels anchored in the circle of his arms.

“Lost for words?” Alec asks, a tiny, smug grin on his face.

“That was one hell of a first kiss,” Magnus laughs, hands moving up to Alec’s shoulders.

“Why, thank you,” Alec smiles. “Care for an encore?”

“Always,” Magnus leans in.

They stand there, kissing until their mouths are red, until they’re breathless and gasping for air, until Magnus’s knees actually give out and Alec has to hold him up. They laugh, arms around each other and turn back to the night life laid out below them. Alec intertwines their hands and tugs Magnus close until Magnus leans in and rests his head against Alec’s shoulder.

“I could stay here like this forever,” Alec mumbles after a while.

“Me too,” Magnus agrees. He feels lighter than he has in days, happier than he’s ever been in his entire life. He turns his face up towards Alec and waits until Alec also looks down at him. “Don’t sleep on the couch tonight, ok?”

“Okay,” Alec’s eyes light up softly and he leans down to kiss Magnus again.

Magnus kisses back, smiling, knowing that after tonight, nothing will feel as difficult with Alec by his side.


End file.
